(no subject)

hello :)
livejournal & its advertisements have kept me away for a long time. i've moved to pleaselove.tumblr.com - more frequently updates (i'm attempting to write at least every other day!) & more personal. a day-to-day nancy. i'll still be reading livejournal entries, but whether or not to delete me is up to you. :) take care x


postcards of summer

hello there

my days are slowly beginning to blur together. i've spent so many nights with my eyes wide open, watching the sky fade from black to gray, to a brilliant cerulean, with the hushed dawn creeping through my windows to cast lingering lines of light along my dusty, neglected vanity table. i feel like i am living in a world of pastels.

(no subject)

21 JULY 2009
        today was bittersweet, Angela's hello & goodbye. upon arrival, Steven surprise-attacked me, lifted me into the air, and threw me over his shoulder. i screamed in surprise & in fear that i was getting kidnapped. i think everyone secretly loves the feeling of getting carried away, being completely in someone else's arms. it makes my heart swell.
        gathered around the small table and stealing each others food, it felt like nothing has changed in the past years. David is still completely out-of-this-world, with the same pronounced hearty guffaw (i don't know how else to describe it) and absurd feminine squeals. Angela, the girl of perfect posture, bends forward slightly when her laughter goes mute and her eyes squeezes shut so tightly, as if to fight back tears. and finally Steven, with his seemingly good-humored sarcasm, followed immediately (with not even enough pause to feel offended) by a resonant and contagious laugh. no, nothing has changed at all. even when we huddled around a Winnie The Pooh vending machine, hands overflowing with silver quarters. nothing at all.
        when she left, i think bits of all of our hearts began to crumble, marking the beginnings of a soft avalanche that would twist our stomach in knots whenever we thought of her vacant seat in the car. i'll miss you Angela.

(no subject)

july 29
today my mind is quiet.
i have been falling asleep with books lying open on my chest and waking up to the sound of baby birds in the nest their mother built outside my window awning. maybe it is all the sunshine. maybe it is the comfortable silence of solitude. i am the hushed sort of happy & it truly feels wonderful.

july 25
i spent the better part of my day with Edgar ("e-chee"), who has a muffled, slightly nasally voice and pity laughs at all my jokes. i remembered his name because it reminds me of Edward Elgar & whenever i think about the consonance, Salut d'Amour echos in the back of my head. we talked until 3 in the morning about faraway places (Venice, Florence, Disney World) and shared tragic pet stories.

Maciej, whose name is actually 8 syllables longer and swells with a heavy polish accent, wrote an imaginary book in his head with dramatic chapter titles and no content. "The Ascending Stairs." was my favorite. i timidly admitted that i can never color inside the lines and he said not to worry because i can always break boundaries draw my own lines. i like that.

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(no subject)

peanut butter fills the cracks in your heart.

a little snippet:

I am on the plane right now - we just took off and flew right through the clouds! I love the feeling when you first lift off into the air... the uncertainty, the gentle hesitation of the wheels from the ground, like two lovers reluctant to let go. It is such a romantic sight outside the window, to see the sun above me and the clouds beneath my feet. Five more hours until we land. With each second I lose, I gain three; I'm traveling back in time!

a memory for safe keeping

09 may 2009
i swear
we were in a snowglobe,
a universe of our own.
the full moon looked too real in our fabricated world
the voice of louis armstrong echoed the streets
what a wonderful world..
the falling sprinkle made hearts in the fountain
(gravity nudges people closer together)
we checked the clocks unduly
expecting time to slip away too quickly
but for once

they simply didn't matter

sick at heart

         do you know what it feels like to come home to an empty house everyday? to wake up, only to realize that no one is there and, worst of all, that no one would want to be there; and then yearning to dive back into the softness of pillows and have dreams of a happier world. to hold hands with someone who gives you a disgusted face whenever you are under the weather. to go days without really talking to someone, communicating. to be surrounded by people who claim to love you with all their hearts as a friend, as a lover, and yet... to feel none of that love. to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner alone. to wonder what happened to the life you knew.

         while walking home, i saw a tiny grandfather feeding his stubborn granddaughter a nectarine next to a bus stop. his face wrinkled in a laugh as he gazed at her snowy face, which was graced with a childish scowl. i wish someone would smile and hug me when i am cheerless.