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the little dipper

lovely . .
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[Monday February 1, 8pm]
hello :)
livejournal & its advertisements have kept me away for a long time. i've moved to pleaselove.tumblr.com - more frequently updates (i'm attempting to write at least every other day!) & more personal. a day-to-day nancy. i'll still be reading livejournal entries, but whether or not to delete me is up to you. :) take care x

love, nancy

the presence of absence (i am happy to have met you, but i am also happy to have let you go) [Thursday September 17, 8pm]

everything is changing around me & i am still too much of a little girl. i don't know how to describe this .. anxiety? disquiet? butterfly? it feels like all words have escaped me.

the leaves are starting to change colors.

love, nancy

postcards of summer [Friday August 21, 12pm]
hello there

my days are slowly beginning to blur together. i've spent so many nights with my eyes wide open, watching the sky fade from black to gray, to a brilliant cerulean, with the hushed dawn creeping through my windows to cast lingering lines of light along my dusty, neglected vanity table. i feel like i am living in a world of pastels.

love, nancy

[Sunday August 2, 9pm]

21 JULY 2009
        today was bittersweet, Angela's hello & goodbye. upon arrival, Steven surprise-attacked me, lifted me into the air, and threw me over his shoulder. i screamed in surprise & in fear that i was getting kidnapped. i think everyone secretly loves the feeling of getting carried away, being completely in someone else's arms. it makes my heart swell.
        gathered around the small table and stealing each others food, it felt like nothing has changed in the past years. David is still completely out-of-this-world, with the same pronounced hearty guffaw (i don't know how else to describe it) and absurd feminine squeals. Angela, the girl of perfect posture, bends forward slightly when her laughter goes mute and her eyes squeezes shut so tightly, as if to fight back tears. and finally Steven, with his seemingly good-humored sarcasm, followed immediately (with not even enough pause to feel offended) by a resonant and contagious laugh. no, nothing has changed at all. even when we huddled around a Winnie The Pooh vending machine, hands overflowing with silver quarters. nothing at all.
        when she left, i think bits of all of our hearts began to crumble, marking the beginnings of a soft avalanche that would twist our stomach in knots whenever we thought of her vacant seat in the car. i'll miss you Angela.

love, nancy

[Wednesday July 29, 6pm]

july 29
today my mind is quiet.
i have been falling asleep with books lying open on my chest and waking up to the sound of baby birds in the nest their mother built outside my window awning. maybe it is all the sunshine. maybe it is the comfortable silence of solitude. i am the hushed sort of happy & it truly feels wonderful.

july 25
i spent the better part of my day with Edgar ("e-chee"), who has a muffled, slightly nasally voice and pity laughs at all my jokes. i remembered his name because it reminds me of Edward Elgar & whenever i think about the consonance, Salut d'Amour echos in the back of my head. we talked until 3 in the morning about faraway places (Venice, Florence, Disney World) and shared tragic pet stories.

Maciej, whose name is actually 8 syllables longer and swells with a heavy polish accent, wrote an imaginary book in his head with dramatic chapter titles and no content. "The Ascending Stairs." was my favorite. i timidly admitted that i can never color inside the lines and he said not to worry because i can always break boundaries draw my own lines. i like that.

dewy perfumeCollapse )

love, nancy

[Monday July 20, 5pm]

peanut butter fills the cracks in your heart.

a little snippet:

I am on the plane right now - we just took off and flew right through the clouds! I love the feeling when you first lift off into the air... the uncertainty, the gentle hesitation of the wheels from the ground, like two lovers reluctant to let go. It is such a romantic sight outside the window, to see the sun above me and the clouds beneath my feet. Five more hours until we land. With each second I lose, I gain three; I'm traveling back in time!

love, nancy

summer of change [Sunday May 31, 3pm]
Read more...Collapse )
love, nancy

a memory for safe keeping [Sunday May 10, 3pm]

09 may 2009
i swear
we were in a snowglobe,
a universe of our own.
the full moon looked too real in our fabricated world
the voice of louis armstrong echoed the streets
what a wonderful world..
the falling sprinkle made hearts in the fountain
(gravity nudges people closer together)
we checked the clocks unduly
expecting time to slip away too quickly
but for once

they simply didn't matter

love, nancy

[Thursday April 9, 10pm]

a little peek at my life right now :]
Collapse )
love, nancy

sick at heart [Monday March 9, 4pm]

         do you know what it feels like to come home to an empty house everyday? to wake up, only to realize that no one is there and, worst of all, that no one would want to be there; and then yearning to dive back into the softness of pillows and have dreams of a happier world. to hold hands with someone who gives you a disgusted face whenever you are under the weather. to go days without really talking to someone, communicating. to be surrounded by people who claim to love you with all their hearts as a friend, as a lover, and yet... to feel none of that love. to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner alone. to wonder what happened to the life you knew.

         while walking home, i saw a tiny grandfather feeding his stubborn granddaughter a nectarine next to a bus stop. his face wrinkled in a laugh as he gazed at her snowy face, which was graced with a childish scowl. i wish someone would smile and hug me when i am cheerless.

love, nancy

[Friday February 27, 12am]

hello hello i am currently buried under the folds of my vanilla-colored blanket waiting for morning to come.
tick tock tick tock, that's all i really hear
the clocks are so very loud at night
today i sniffled throughout class, the cold had caught me
or i had caught the cold
i wish i spent more time reading, here are some things:
this lullaby, lolita, how to breathe underwater
i was thinking --
aren't stars like clouds?
when you look at clouds, you see different things
like a bellflower or a ballerina or a bunny
and when you look at the stars, you see different things as well
a willow, a walrus, a whale
and when you don't see anything except clouds and stars,
it's exceptionally sad
because they don't seem as special any longer
unless maybe
you see stars in the clouds and clouds in the stars
my astronomy teacher told me that constellations are silly,
that they are just patterns in the sky with old stories
can't we make our own patterns? our own constellations!
and then our stories will be written all over the sky.
good night x

love, nancy

awakening from a long hibernation [Friday February 13, 5pm]

my days have been sleepy and my nights plagued with inexhaustible amounts of schoolwork.
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry, here is my promise to you --
i will write more entries, i will read more entries
pinky promise!

today i feel nostalgic over the valentines day i knew in primary school:
delicate paper mailboxes sitting quietly on each desk
crosswords and word searches on pink and red cards
candies in heart shapes, wrapped in lustrous foil or in packages
drawing more hearts on one particular card for someone buried deep in our heart
glitter on everyone's little face after decorating
pink flushes all around the classroom

and outside --
i have never seen more happiness and love on any other day!

there isn't very much of this anymore. i only see girls parading around school with armfuls of roses, their faces full of amour-propre, saving little love for others.
but there are moments that remind me of why this holiday is special.
from my journal: we walk, arm in arm, smiling in our own thoughts as the rain falls all around us. he opens my red umbrella and covers our faces, leaning in for a hidden kiss.

Happy Valentine's Day. xx
love, nancy

it's a small world [Saturday December 6, 4pm]

i. bookstore adventures
ii. hibernation: my sweet polar bear

a little story --
on Wednesday, i went to the bookstore with Timothy and we ran into a group of children sitting on the carpet, listening to a story - Boris Ate A Thesaurus by mister Neil Klayman and illustrated by mister Barry Chung. a little girl raised her hand and asked the illustrator, how did you write the pictures? he paused and turned to Neil. how did you draw the words?
little lifeCollapse )
love, nancy

[Friday November 14, 10pm]

15 OCT 2008
i've been dreaming odd things lately:
of lady & gentleman bugs
      sleeping quietly in the garden
of a man who lives in a white hot air balloon
      and calls himself a cloud
of flowers that turn upside down
      a waltz, a dance

19 OCT 2008
i think when we talk to each other, invisible strings tie our hearts to one another. your feelings are mine, and mine yours. our hearts communicate like plastic cups and string - a heart to heart. please please don't ever let our strings untie.

28 OCT 2008
my emotions are muddled up and overwhelming. the Tinman went on a journey to find his heart, only to realize he had one all along - he just couldn't hear the thump thump thumpings. i can hear mine - i can feel it. but it's not my own. a discrepancy between mind and body. where's my yellow brick road?

love, nancy

the little princess [Saturday October 18, 7pm]

hello prince,
i've finally found you!
your sun kissed mouth
and your pearl eyes
i wait for you
here in my cherry dress
come find me
come find me
hereCollapse )
love, nancy

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