the little dipper

the presence of absence (i am happy to have met you, but i am also happy to have let you go)

2009-09-18T04:28:09Z

everything is changing around me & i am still too much of a little girl. i don't know how to describe this .. anxiety? disquiet? butterfly? it feels like all words have escaped me.

the leaves are starting to change colors.

postcards of summer

2009-08-21T19:56:32Z

hello there

my days are slowly beginning to blur together. i've spent so many nights with my eyes wide open, watching the sky fade from black to gray, to a brilliant cerulean, with the hushed dawn creeping through my windows to cast lingering lines of light along my dusty, neglected vanity table. i feel like i am living in a world of pastels.

hunnycake @ 2009-08-02T21:03:00

2009-08-03T04:03:23Z

21 JULY 2009
today was bittersweet, Angela's hello & goodbye. upon arrival, Steven surprise-attacked me, lifted me into the air, and threw me over his shoulder. i screamed in surprise & in fear that i was getting kidnapped. i think everyone secretly loves the feeling of getting carried away, being completely in someone else's arms. it makes my heart swell.
gathered around the small table and stealing each others food, it felt like nothing has changed in the past years. David is still completely out-of-this-world, with the same pronounced hearty guffaw (i don't know how else to describe it) and absurd feminine squeals. Angela, the girl of perfect posture, bends forward slightly when her laughter goes mute and her eyes squeezes shut so tightly, as if to fight back tears. and finally Steven, with his seemingly good-humored sarcasm, followed immediately (with not even enough pause to feel offended) by a resonant and contagious laugh. no, nothing has changed at all. even when we huddled around a Winnie The Pooh vending machine, hands overflowing with silver quarters. nothing at all.
when she left, i think bits of all of our hearts began to crumble, marking the beginnings of a soft avalanche that would twist our stomach in knots whenever we thought of her vacant seat in the car. i'll miss you Angela.

hunnycake @ 2009-07-29T18:20:00

2009-07-30T01:20:23Z

july 29
today my mind is quiet.
i have been falling asleep with books lying open on my chest and waking up to the sound of baby birds in the nest their mother built outside my window awning. maybe it is all the sunshine. maybe it is the comfortable silence of solitude. i am the hushed sort of happy & it truly feels wonderful.

july 25
i spent the better part of my day with Edgar ("e-chee"), who has a muffled, slightly nasally voice and pity laughs at all my jokes. i remembered his name because it reminds me of Edward Elgar & whenever i think about the consonance, Salut d'Amour echos in the back of my head. we talked until 3 in the morning about faraway places (Venice, Florence, Disney World) and shared tragic pet stories.

Maciej, whose name is actually 8 syllables longer and swells with a heavy polish accent, wrote an imaginary book in his head with dramatic chapter titles and no content. "The Ascending Stairs." was my favorite. i timidly admitted that i can never color inside the lines and he said not to worry because i can always break boundaries draw my own lines. i like that.

(i love the dewy perfume, the salty drizzle, the foamy and gritty textures of the sea)

hunnycake @ 2009-07-20T17:34:00

2009-07-21T01:03:10Z

peanut butter fills the cracks in your heart.

a little snippet:
I am on the plane right now - we just took off and flew right through the clouds! I love the feeling when you first lift off into the air... the uncertainty, the gentle hesitation of the wheels from the ground, like two lovers reluctant to let go. It is such a romantic sight outside the window, to see the sun above me and the clouds beneath my feet. Five more hours until we land. With each second I lose, I gain three; I'm traveling back in time!

summer of change

2009-05-31T22:46:39Z

i hug you and i try to whisper, i missed you, i miss you, i will miss you, but no words escape through my clenched teeth. overwhelming, incomprehensible sadness adorns every crevice of my face, clouding my sight and lingering in the corners of my eyes. i squeeze tighter. a message that says all that i cannot. i missed you. i miss you. i will miss you.

a memory for safe keeping

2009-05-10T22:30:26Z

09 may 2009
i swear
we were in a snowglobe,
a universe of our own.
the full moon looked too real in our fabricated world
the voice of louis armstrong echoed the streets
what a wonderful world..
the falling sprinkle made hearts in the fountain
(gravity nudges people closer together)
we checked the clocks unduly
expecting time to slip away too quickly
but for once
seconds,
minutes,
hours..

they simply didn't matter

♥

2009-04-10T05:12:49Z

a little peek at my life right now :]

(thank you for all your kind comments from the last entry.
i took a little time off this past month
all the little pieces seem to have fallen back into place. xx)

sick at heart

2009-03-10T01:08:32Z

do you know what it feels like to come home to an empty house everyday? to wake up, only to realize that no one is there and, worst of all, that no one would want to be there; and then yearning to dive back into the softness of pillows and have dreams of a happier world. to hold hands with someone who gives you a disgusted face whenever you are under the weather. to go days without really talking to someone, communicating. to be surrounded by people who claim to love you with all their hearts as a friend, as a lover, and yet... to feel none of that love. to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner alone. to wonder what happened to the life you knew.

while walking home, i saw a tiny grandfather feeding his stubborn granddaughter a nectarine next to a bus stop. his face wrinkled in a laugh as he gazed at her snowy face, which was graced with a childish scowl. i wish someone would smile and hug me when i am cheerless.

hunnycake @ 2009-02-27T00:25:00

2009-02-27T08:47:59Z

hello hello i am currently buried under the folds of my vanilla-colored blanket waiting for morning to come.
tick tock tick tock, that's all i really hear
the clocks are so very loud at night
today i sniffled throughout class, the cold had caught me
or i had caught the cold
i wish i spent more time reading, here are some things:
this lullaby, lolita, how to breathe underwater
i was thinking --
aren't stars like clouds?
when you look at clouds, you see different things
like a bellflower or a ballerina or a bunny
and when you look at the stars, you see different things as well
a willow, a walrus, a whale
and when you don't see anything except clouds and stars,
it's exceptionally sad
because they don't seem as special any longer
unless maybe
you see stars in the clouds and clouds in the stars
my astronomy teacher told me that constellations are silly,
that they are just patterns in the sky with old stories
can't we make our own patterns? our own constellations!
and then our stories will be written all over the sky.
good night x

awakening from a long hibernation

2009-02-14T03:40:14Z

my days have been sleepy and my nights plagued with inexhaustible amounts of schoolwork.
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry, here is my promise to you --
i will write more entries, i will read more entries
pinky promise!

today i feel nostalgic over the valentines day i knew in primary school:
delicate paper mailboxes sitting quietly on each desk
crosswords and word searches on pink and red cards
candies in heart shapes, wrapped in lustrous foil or in packages
drawing more hearts on one particular card for someone buried deep in our heart
glitter on everyone's little face after decorating
pink flushes all around the classroom

and outside --
i have never seen more happiness and love on any other day!

there isn't very much of this anymore. i only see girls parading around school with armfuls of roses, their faces full of amour-propre, saving little love for others.
but there are moments that remind me of why this holiday is special.
from my journal: we walk, arm in arm, smiling in our own thoughts as the rain falls all around us. he opens my red umbrella and covers our faces, leaning in for a hidden kiss.

Happy Valentine's Day. xx

it's a small world

2008-12-07T00:23:39Z

i. bookstore adventures
ii. hibernation: my sweet polar bear

a little story --
on Wednesday, i went to the bookstore with Timothy and we ran into a group of children sitting on the carpet, listening to a story - Boris Ate A Thesaurus by mister Neil Klayman and illustrated by mister Barry Chung. a little girl raised her hand and asked the illustrator, how did you write the pictures? he paused and turned to Neil. how did you draw the words?

hunnycake @ 2008-11-14T22:46:00

2008-11-15T06:54:07Z

15 OCT 2008
i've been dreaming odd things lately:
of lady & gentleman bugs
sleeping quietly in the garden
of a man who lives in a white hot air balloon
and calls himself a cloud
of flowers that turn upside down
a waltz, a dance

19 OCT 2008
i think when we talk to each other, invisible strings tie our hearts to one another. your feelings are mine, and mine yours. our hearts communicate like plastic cups and string - a heart to heart. please please don't ever let our strings untie.

28 OCT 2008
my emotions are muddled up and overwhelming. the Tinman went on a journey to find his heart, only to realize he had one all along - he just couldn't hear the thump thump thumpings. i can hear mine - i can feel it. but it's not my own. a discrepancy between mind and body. where's my yellow brick road?

the little princess

2008-10-19T02:10:17Z

hello prince,
i've finally found you!
your sun kissed mouth
and your pearl eyes
i wait for you
here in my cherry dress
come find me
come find me
here

good mourning tea

2008-10-11T21:52:59Z

1. september 13
butterfly wings look like two hearts stringed together, soaring as one. whose hearts are those? is there one butterfly for each pair of lover in this world? perhaps there are different types of butterflies for every different type of love.

2. september 17
i'm going to catch sunlight in a jar
(it will keep us warm during winter)

3. september 26
i've been very tired lately and so has timothy. i never walk with him in the morning anymore because his eyes refuse to open and he dreams well into the afternoon.

4. september 27
i am a mess of a girl

5. october 1
if the sky starts from the ground, we are all in the sky. doesn't that mean we're flying?

i've been confused lately

2008-09-14T03:04:09Z

wednesday:
why do doors open inwards? (which way is in and which way is out?)
why can we plant kisses without soil or water? (maybe our blushes are the fruits of the plant, our love the flower)
why do we always color our bears brown? (the black and polar bears are lonely too)
are whales friendly? (if we whisper songs inside their tummies, will they listen? maybe they just feel the music, like mister Beethoven)
can we sleep on a flower bed?
nobody ever asked Toto what he wanted (maybe Dorothy was all he ever wanted)
can cherries blossom into pink flowers?

thursday:
i suppose it is all right if no one ever thinks of me because i'll always think of them, enough for the both of us.
what is it like to be a beaver? are they too busy to think of each other? maybe that's all they ever do, and daydreaming is what keeps them busy. he always thinks of the Miss that will live in his dam as he busily piles driftwood and willow. perhaps i'm a busy beaver (i always think of you).

friday:
why are stars so enormous? how are we ever to catch them! even if we held hands and stretch our arms widely, we still wouldn't catch him. i guess it's better off this way, it means we'll always hold hands, right?

i wish marshmallow kisses grew on trees.

my growing flower (a repost from hillsides)

2008-09-08T04:54:18Z

(january 23)
curled within the folds of her blankets,
her eyes fluttered against the morning shine
petal soft porcelain complexion
peony-coral cheeks, chrysanthemum-starred eyes

she walks in beauty
and comes in colors

(september 07)
the feet of her stems are like paintbrushes
wherever she dances, a stream of colors fly
the world her canvas,
her petals a-flush,
pollen pieces of glass,
a smile within the apple of her eye.

i made a community, couplette, with my lovely!
we will be posting silly couplets there, daily. :)

destination constellation

2008-08-24T03:48:34Z

hello
i've been tip toeing
on the edges of the constellations
of the milky way
when the stars explode,
the supernovae smell of cinnamon vanilla candles,
the kind that leaves noses tingling
yes
i tip toed across the galaxy
i met the Little Dipper
and the Man on the Moon
the Little Dipper dreams
of being a bear
with a fearsome roar
that would scare away
the meteor monsters
the man on the moon
wishes for a Lady on the Moon
they could love
and love
and love
yes
i tip toed on the edges
and laid down on skipping comets
i slept in the craters of the moon
and danced on the rings of Saturn
goodbye

let's fly, let's fly

2008-08-03T02:12:57Z

yesterday night was so peaceful, lying there, under a thousand lights and floating on top of the grass. if you look hard enough, you could see the glowing stars where white paper cranes are flying, one star to the other, with stories and messages scrawled inside their tummies. if you listen hard enough, you could hear the thumping of your heart, of Mr. Big Friendly Giant coming to blow dreams through your little ears, of bunny Thumper's plum-sized hops around the flower beds. and if you dream hard enough, you could see seedlings sprouting before your eyes to kiss the sun, words streaming out of cherry lips, rainbows raining colors, hummingbirds pausing to drink the sweet air like nectar. yesterday night was so peaceful...

the major key

2007-07-13T23:43:43Z

i love

home alone on sunny days
indoor explorations
old pictures and books
penciled smiley faces and messy cursive behind peeling paint

new flowers in my garden!!
indian reds, light corals, lavender blushes
forest green grass dotted with specks of gold (i'm not a perfect gardener)

what do you love?

today, i decided i wanted to bake for the rest of my life :D

sunshine girl

2007-06-20T20:22:25Z

i dreamed up a person with silent eyes and a peering mouth and clickity shoes
the clocks tick loudiest during the nighttime

i dreamed up
miniature meadows instead of even lawns
soft pink and orange lights instead of blazing rays of sun
melodic horse steps on the path instead of loud car engines

your beating organ is the size of your fingers and palm clenched tightly together

2007-05-19T23:41:10Z

today was the first day i've been able to rest,
last week was my first week of being a new age! :)
happy belated birthday, miss yuliya!

meadow wide

2007-05-07T05:57:04Z

vanilla grass,
meadow wide,
whispering songs,
singing words.

i'm so so very tired, and i'm sorry for being aloof!

this weekend, i met the littest person ever, he's "such a gentleman," as the mothers say
but i beg to differ!, he kept teasing me until my cheeks turned coral
all the boys and girls played cards late into the night,
while i huddled over my book and read by the dim lantern light,
and once in a while, just when i start to get lonely
someone would come along and pat the very top of my head, and the touch would linger to keep me company

adieu

2007-04-02T01:52:18Z

(a jewelry box I made for mama)
hello!!,
I can't explain how excited I am! At 5:00 tomorrow morning, my mother and I will be driving through dark streets to the ridiculously congested airport, where a little plane will fly me to New Haven. I'm going to fly!!!!
Have a lovelylovely spring break. I'll be back with photographs ivy league colleges, trees, rain, flowers, snow (perhaps!), etcetera, etcetera. And a recording of a song that I promised Angela I would post.
xxxxxxxx

the garden

2007-03-26T03:48:28Z

When I was three, I remember standing in the garden with my mama under the soft morning sunlight. I had my little cartoony toothbrush in hand and my mother held her own toothbrush along with a tube of paste and a cup of water. And there we stood, in front of the little old house, brushing our teeth as the dewy flowers watched.

Here is a picture of the family in front of the new house a year later, without a single flower in sight. This summer I'm going to grow a garden with little strawberry plants and yellow purple red pink and white flowers. :)

This week and weekend was unbearably emotional.

(from before i was born -- isn't my mamama so beautiful?)

Today I watched Journey from the Fall with my family and my papa's navy friends' famly. It's a sequence of events that happened after April 30, 1975 when S. Vietnam fell to communism.

Tears started to fall within the first 10 minutes of the film, and didn't stop until the very end.

After the movie ended, we all went outside and I saw all the husbands and wives sobbing in each other's arms. It was beautiful, but suddenly I felt so empty. How do you carry on living after being beaten nearly to death in the re-education camps? How do you carry on living after crossing the vast ocean, facing starvation, thirst, dangerous storms, and pirates? I asked my papa, and he told me:

"I carry on because of you."
But I know it's also because of love!

I want to urge everyone to watch! It's spoken in Vietnamese, but there are English subtitles. The colors and scenary is stunning, but the storyline is painfully heartwrenching.

lovelovleoloeov xx

a cheery song